Lessons

      This past week has been one of the most difficult. I still think way too much and I need to pause for a minute. I honestly don't know how I can have so much on my mind when I keep myself as busy as I am. It's not fair. So many things run through my head, it's hard to keep everything straight. I wish I could just divulge all of my guts into this blog, but I'm not about to open my heart and soul to just anyone who reads this. 

      I will say, I am living. But along with living comes a whole lot of learning. Just in the past couple months I have had a huge awakening in my body, mind and soul. It's been a sweet traumatic and horrifying experience but I have learned so much more then ever.

..What have I learned so far?..

Well,

-I learned that great things are worth the wait.

-I learned not to be intimidated so easily.

-I learned that heartache, tragedy, failure, tears, fear is all worth true love, joy, excitement and bliss.

-I learned to follow my heart..really follow it.

-I learned to have a little bit more 'bitch' in me. (something my mom always said I needed) Not to let myself get walked all over anymore.

-I learned not to care so much about what others think.

-I learned to prioritize. I am busy but it is important to take time for myself once in a while.

-I learned to take chances. Just let it happen. :)

-I learned to keep my good friends very near, trust in them and let them trust in me.

-I learned that money is just not worth stressing about.

-I learned that sleep can be a good thing.

-I learned how important it is to be honest, with others and yourself.

-I learned that it's ok to cry.

So, there you go. I'm sure I have plenty more to learn and I hope I do. I can't wait. :)

Change

      Right now I am sitting in my apartment procrastinating cleaning it. It's really not that messy, it's only me living here..but there still always seems like there is lots to do. I haven't finish organizing certain things and it's driving me nuts, but I cannot seem to get myself to just do it. My mind has been all over the place lately so I can't concentrate on getting things done. I'm still doing great, I'm not stressed or unhappy, but life has it's moments. Things happen, wether good or bad, and I think way too hard about it. Especially living alone..I think too much.
   
      This weekend was a pretty good one, for the most part. I spent lots of much needed time with friends, and also made new friends. Not only are they my new friends but they just so happen to be my neighbors that live below me. Two very nice guys. It makes me feel a whole lot safer knowing someone who lives here. Today they gave me some delicious candy and I let them borrow a spoon.(weird.) Apparently they don't have any..?

      I spent some time on Saturday searching for a couch..still nothing. It's a little frustrating because even though I don't NEED one, I am anxious to have my apartment feel complete the way I imagine it. I ended up buying some plates, a shirt and a new purse at the DI instead. The DI is one of my most favorite stores. I am so lucky to have a very close friend who enjoys thrifting as much as I do!

      I also crossed something off of my list this weekend. My list of things to do in life, everyone has one, right? The thing I crossed off was just something very small but I am proud of myself for doing so..I went out and had a meal alone. That is something I have never done and always wanted to do for some reason. It wasn't anywhere fancy, I just went up the street to Whole Foods and ate in the cafe, it counts. I have a feeling I will be doing that a lot more because I live so close to it and I am in love with that place!

      I feel bad that all my posts so far are pictureless. That is not like me at all! Once I get my camera back be prepared to be bombarded by images. It is so beautiful down here, especially this time of year. It's killing me to not have my camera, and my iphone does not do anything justice. Where I live is very old, perfect for photos. At this moment the driveway right outside is carpeted with bright yellow leaves. I cannot believe that I am not able to capture all of this beauty around me.
      I'm actually quite surprised of how many people have been reading my posts. I know I have only written a couple of them so far, but I really wasn't expecting anybody to read any of them, especially since so far there have been no photos. Am I really that interesting? Haha.

      Anyway, as far as the whole 'divorce' thing goes, I am doing well. Settling into a completely different life and surrounding myself with new people and thoughts is extremely difficult, but great at the same time. It's still so strange to think about. If I were the 2010 version of me, I would never of imagined I would be where I am now..EVER. Even though, deep down inside, it's where I wanted to be. Does that make sense? I still don't feel as though I have 'found' myself or whatever, but I do feel that I am on the right track. There are still a couple more things I want to change before I feel completely better about life and heading in the direction I want. I'm working on it. :)


   

The big city and bare walls

      Settled in to my new place..for the most part. I got a bed..still in need of a couch and table. I'm in no rush though, it's a small place and has a cozy feel to it. However, the walls bother me a bit..they are so bare. I am in serious need of art and photos to hang!
      Speaking of photos, I am still cameraless. My poor baby had to be sent in to be fixed. This has made things very hard for me because a lot of my income was from photography and october is a busy month. I had October almost completely booked, then had to cancel with all my clients because of this. But I didn't dare do any more shoots with my camera until it got fixed. It was acting up so badly and I even lost some photos from a photoshoot I did. No way was I going to go through that again. I feel bad to those who I had to cancel with, but once my baby returns to me I will be on a roll! I have lots of new ideas!
      I kind of think it was a blessing that my camera happened to stop working properly when it did. I have been dealing with so much and having to worry about shoots and editing would have made things much harder for me. I am still working on catching up on photoshoots and weddings from last month, so it's not like I have no photo stuff to do, but I honestly am glad I don't have more on my plate then what I already have. Right now is a time that I really need for me. I'm loving the new life I have made for myself, but that doesn't mean it's any easier.

      I love this city. I know I have always said how much I want to move and not live in Utah, I was naive. This place is amazing. Of course I would still love to travel everywhere and see everything..one day. For now, I have a lot to see in my own neighborhood. I'm a little ashamed that I have lived in Utah, near the city, my entire life and still don't know it very well. I'm hoping now that I live right in the middle of it I will be able to see so much more. I want to walk everywhere, try new food from little hole in the wall restaurants, check out all the cute little shops on my way and say hello to everyone I see. I want to get lost and discover new things. And when I have my camera again..mmmm!

The beginning

      The very few of you who follow this blog might of noticed that I have deleted all my previous posts and changed everything. The reason for this is because I am starting over. Not just with this blog, but with life in general. I recently made the hardest decision I have ever had to make. My life changed drastically, nothing is the same. I went from living in a big house surrounded by gorgeous fields, mountains, a giant lake right down the road, two lovely dogs, and a husband.. to living alone in a small studio apartment in the middle of the city.. and I honestly couldn't be happier.

      Of course I have my reasons for leaving the seemingly flawless life I was living. I won't go into detail as to why, just know that I am happy. So many people have been e-mailing me and messaging me wondering how I have been doing, I feel extremely loved. I guess when you hear the word 'divorce' you automatically feel sorry for that person, and sometimes that is how it should be. But this isn't the case. Be happy for me. I am now living a life I have always dreamed. I plan on doing so much with my life and I am ecstatic to start living again!

      Don't get me wrong, going through the divorce was really hard. It took so much out of me. I had never felt so stressed and mentally or emotionally drained. My right eye was twitching for weeks, thats how bad it was! One of the biggest things holding me back from making this decisions were my babies(dogs). They were my very best friends, especially one, Kora. That girl always seemed to know what I was going through. She would comfort me while sad, worry about me when in pain, and dance with me when excited. I was always talking to her about everything and she would just sit and listen, occasionally giving me a look like 'duh'. She was always by my side.

      Aside from my dogs, I was unhappy and so was the husband. You must know that this decision was not sudden, and it wasn't just mine. We tried for years to fix things in many different ways, but nothing helped. Everyone seems so shocked about all of this, I guess I just hide things really well. But honestly, if you knew me well before the marriage and you saw how I was during all of it, you would of noticed a big difference in me. I finally feel..relieved. Like a war has ended. I can breathe again.

      As for now..I am going to keep this blog as kind a personal record of my life. Read it or not, it's mostly for me anyway.

      And for all you extremely generous and amazing family members and friends of mine, thank you, thank you, thank you for being here for me always. I love you all. :)

-Jadie