utd.

      It's crazy how so much can change in such little time, and it's not just 'things' that change, life in general is changing constantly. So do thoughts, feelings and people. It's not a bad thing at all, it's absolutely wonderful! It just means people are learning and growing. That is why it's so important to keep yourself surrounded by positive things and people you love.

      I thought, months ago, that I had learned and changed pretty much all I could handle for a while, but life hasn't seemed to slow down one bit. I am surprised at how well I have been able to handle everything that gets thrown at me, and those obstacles seem to get thrown one after the other. Some bigger and more challenging then others, but obstacles none the less.
      Despite all of these challenges, I am happier then I have been in a very long time. I am lucky to never be alone with the trials I face, no matter what they are. I am so loved and so deeply in love that is makes all these stupid problems seem weightless. I'm not saying I just forget they are there, that would just make them worse. I just deal with them the best I can while staying positive and happy, which seems to be way too easy these days.

      The restaurant job didn't work out..and I am glad! I got offered a job at a pediatricians office and absolutely love it! I think this is the first time, ever, that I can say that I really love my job. I love everything about it, the people I work with and the providers I work for. I would recommend them to everyone I know, and it feels great to know that I am part of their team.
      After the restaurant and before the pediatricians office I was jobless for a little bit. Not having a job drove me crazy! I still had photo shoots here and there but the cold seasons are always slower for me so it just wasn't enough. That put me in a bind even further then I already was. Living along in the city is not easy. But like I have said, money comes and goes, it is not worth stressing over!

      So I have moved again. I enjoy moving and unpacking and organizing. I find that every time I have moved I end up with less and less crap. It's probably because the last couple times I have moved it was in to a place smaller then the last. But it seems I get less attached to all the crap I somehow accumulate over time...Except my clothes and shoes..you can never have too many of those!


      I now live in a different studio apartment. It's just a little ways down the road from the one I was living in. It's an actual apartment building instead of a renovated mansion, which is a good thing and bad thing. It doesn't have the neat victorian house look but I do feel safer at my new place. An actual management company owns it, instead of just a family, so it seems a bit more legit. You also have to have a code to even enter the building. At my old place the front door was always wide open. I also will not miss the damp walls, black mold growing everywhere, creepy neighbors, broken heater, and all the sex bugs that infested the place. (They aren't really called sex bugs but I can't ever remember what the real name for them is. Those black and red bugs.)
      My new place may be small..and I do mean small, but it's cozy and warm. For me it is absolutely perfect. It has an old antique feel with old windows and wood floors I just adore. And for it being so small, to add to the plus side, less wall space I have to decorate. And let's just say its a really good thing I never bought that couch!

     
      Since I have been having to organize so much lately, trying to figure out how the hell to stuff everything I own into a closet, I have been coming across lots of things I have forgotten about..like my journal I used to write in. I have had it for a million years and it's still not even close to being half way full. I am really bad at things like that, even though I do enjoy it.
      Reading through my journal was shocking. The last few entries in there were about how much I hated life and how awful I felt I was treated. The entries may have been a little dramatic, I did write them while angry, I'm sure, but everything in there was true. It really makes me wonder how I put up with living like that for so long and being so unhappy. I learned a whole lot from that mistake and I am thankful for it. I probably learned some of the most important things because of all that. I know now more then ever what I want out of life. The most important thing is to just be happy, and I have been so happy once I chose to be.
     
      Other then my journal, I have been going through old photos. I miss so many people right now...and my hair!! ..No regrets right?..Time to start looking on Pinterest to find ways to make your hair grow faster.
I heard that your hair grows fastest when you happy. If that is the case my hair should be down to my ankles by now.

So far so good

      Remember in a previous post how I said I don't have the urge to blog unless I am feeling a bit down? Well..it's been a while because life is fantastic! I just figured I better update this blog since it's been so long and it seems that a lot has happened in the past month. Also, I get a lot of feedback and people asking me to blog again..I think thats a bit odd because I don't even find my own blog that interesting. Apparently I send out good vibes and give people inspiration they need. Who would of thought? But I am glad that people like reading this stuff and if it helps them then that is even better!

      As far as the apartment goes, still couchless! Maybe next time I blog I will have a couch. Maybe. However, my place isn't as empty. I have accumulated certain things I needed and have hung a few things on the walls. It feels more and more like home each day. I also have a new little friend living with me. Her name is Dessa. I got her from the Humane Society of Utah a few weeks ago. She is a cocker spaniel mix and is about 5 years old. She has been a very much needed and amazing addition to my life! She loves me more then anything and follows me everywhere..and I mean EVERYWHERE! I get up to go to the bathroom and there she is right by the door. I take a shower and she sits right outside the curtain waiting for me. She is literally right by my side every second she can be. It's a bit annoying, but her unconditional love flatters me. She is the sweetest dog I have ever met. Definitely the best company anyone could have.
      She also has weird issues with men. I have no idea why, but so far there have been only a few men in this world she hasn't barked and growled at, or even bitten! So men..beware! She is very protective of me!

      I quite the nanny job..yes I know, I just started it not too long ago but it just wasn't working out well. The job itself was fine, I do love kids, but they had their days. I wasn't making quite enough money to get by and it didn't feel like 'work'. A lot of people would say thats a good thing, but I was bored. I missed the busy work, and somehow sitting and playing legos and dolls for hours on end just wasn't satisfying.
      I started a job waitressing at Texas de Brazil a couple days ago. I am still in training but so far I like it. I have missed the constant interaction with people, that is something I need. Also, it's been nice because I have been able to walk to work. It's kind of a lengthily walk but I enjoy it. The hours I work are great because I work during dinner time. I have the day to do photoshoots, edit, clean, and take Dess for walks. I feel like I can get a lot more done. But I am not working all night so I still have the time to go out with friends and have fun. So far so good..

     I can't believe it is now 2013! Where has the time gone? Even though the year 2012 was pretty much one of the most difficult years I have ever had, I learned a lot about life and myself and I wouldn't change a thing. I so much look forward to what 2013 brings into my life, good or bad! I already feel like it has brought many good things and January has just begun. Bring it on, 2013! I can't wait! :)

Love Life.

      I have learned lots of lessons lately. As much as I hate the 'learning' process in life, I know it is a very good thing and will never end. I don't really believe in regret..even if it means giving your heart away over and over again only to have it shattered every time. Keep giving your heart away, (maybe not so easily) but don't fear the lessons that may come from it. Inviting new people into your life can open different doors you didn't even know existed. Make new memories, see new things and meet new people. It's amazing.
      People are always falling in love, getting their hearts broken, then falling in love again. We will be in love until we die. To me, that is the meaning of life.

      Love life.

      Last week was the last day at my old job. I honestly had no idea how appreciated I was. It made it really hard to leave. I had a few people actually cry to me and told me how great of a worker I have been and how much I will be missed. It's so weird to think that being there was my life for four years and now it's just not. I kind of feel like I am on vacation and am supposed to be back next week. I guess it hasn't hit me yet. I enjoyed many things at that job. The people I worked with were great, I loved drawing blood and giving shots. (except to little children) But I am so happy to say that I do not have to wear scrubs anymore!
      When people found out that I was quitting at the clinic they would ask what I was going to be doing, and when I would tell them I was going to be a nanny I got the same reaction from almost everyone. It was a 'really? Why would you go from being a medical assistant to babysitting??' type reaction. Believe me, if you knew my situation you would of done the same. But I kind of do feel like it was a step back in life..in a way. I went from doing something people go to school to do and make careers out of, to taking care of children. But I really needed it. I wouldn't of done it if I didn't feel like this was a good decision.

      I have been a nanny now for only 3 days and I must say that it is very challenging. A lot of people would say 'Good luck!' to me very sarcastically when they found out I was going to be taking care of two young kids every day. But honestly, the kids are great! I already love them to death and they seem to love me too. We have a lot of fun. Today I got paid to put puzzles together, play at Liberty Park all day and feed ducks. And they are always making me laugh. The things kids say sometimes..
      The other day I was playing with the little 2 year old girl while the 5 year old boy I watch was at school. She was holding a Jasmine doll (From Aladdin) and she just says out of the blue with a bit of an attitude, "I don't like Jasmine." So I ask why, then she replies, "I just don't like her face." I started laughing then she adds, "I just wish I could throw her in the garbage." It had me laughing for a while.

      I think the nanny job itself is great. Taking care of kids comes easily to me, it's something I have always done. I think I am having the hardest time with slowing my mind down. I was so used to a fast paced job where I had to constantly concentrate on certain things, my mind wasn't allowed to wander. And now, things are a lot slower. It's a good thing in a way, a lot more relaxing then what I am used to, but can also be a bad thing at times. I don't really like allowing my mind to wander, and when I am coloring pictures and doing puzzles or talking a walk I can't really help that happening.
      Over all, the job is good. It doesn't feel like work at all. I mean, it is a lot of work, but since it's something I am used to and actually enjoy most of the time, it's just easy..so far.

More than ready.

      Oh gosh. I have not kept my goal of writing in this blog every week like I had originally planned. Typical me. I have been too busy living life and loving it so, so much! I also have not been sad. I find that I have more of an urge to write about my feelings when I am feeling a bit down. So I guess it's a good sign that I have not written in here for some time now.
      Don't worry though, I am not sad, I am actually quite opposite. I feel like things are finally starting to fall into place! Finally! I feel so at home in my little apartment in the middle of this city. (even though I still am couchless and it is frustrating..hopefully not for too much longer.)
     
      I kind of feel like I spiraled down really fast for a minute in life, but Iv caught myself and am slowly climbing back up. People make mistakes. Shit happens. Whatever..
   
       Live and learn, right?

      I'm blessed to have the people in my life that I do. They love me no matter what and care about the decisions I make and how they will effect me. But no matter what happens, they stay by me and help lead me in the right direction. I love life because of them.

      I put in my two weeks notice at my job yesterday. I have been a medical assistant at a family practice for just about 4 years now. I never really wanted to get into the medical field, it was honestly something I just fell into. When the ex-husband was my boyfriend I had lost my job so his mother is the one that gave me the job at the clinic..and I have been there ever since. I am grateful, of course, to have had the opportunity to work there and help so many people. I have also made some very close friends. I will miss working with them terribly, but will make an effort to keep them in my life as much as possible. Being in one place for four years with the same girls every day, you can't help but grow close to each other, we act like sisters.
      But despite my good friends and the great job it was, you can imagine how it would be working there along with your ex-family. That is not the only reason why I decided to leave though, I have wanted to leave for years. It was just not at all for me. I think of the divorce as a push in the direction that I have been longing to travel, but for some reason have been so stuck in the same spot, doing the same thing every damn day..it's tiring to even think about.
     
      I look back at my life and what it was for the past few years..it was nothing. Of course I did do things I love, but not how I wanted to. I didn't see the people I love in my life as often as I would of liked to. I didn't do so much that I have wanted to do and have done, just in these past couple months, since I have decided to make this drastic change. I really was stuck, I can't describe it any other way. Don't get me wrong, the life I had was good and maybe perfect for some people, but not for me. Not at all for me. It just took a little while to open my eyes and see that.

      Since I have been on my own, meeting so many new people and making wonderful new friends, thinking new thoughts, hearing new music, seeing amazing new things, I feel I have grown so much. I have changed drastically in this short amount of time, I see it in myself. Everything is more beautiful to me, I even laugh louder. I am learning what I really want in life and I am on my way.

      In just a couple weeks I start my new job as a nanny for a lovely little family not to far from my home. It's a big step for me and a bit of a risk due to a pay cut, but I am so willing to risk money for my happiness. I am ecstatic! I am also going to start picking up more photo shoots, which is something I have also been wanting to do but have felt too stressed and drained to even start again.
      It's a big sign that something needs to change if you don't even have the energy to do what you love.
      I love taking pictures. I am going to find that again.

I got an e-mail from the universe the other day. My favorite words by far:

Basically, Jadie, change comes from thinking thoughts you've never thought before and showing up to meet them down streets you've never walked before. You ready for some firsts? Are you?  Yodeling,     The Universe        I am more than ready.

     

Loss

      I'm sitting here in my apartment staring out the window at all the giant falling snowflakes thanking myself that I did not make any big plans today. I hate driving in snow. I do have lots to do, places to go and people to see, but instead I am taking a break. I'm going to stay in my cozy little apartment (still with empty walls and couchless) and eat my oatmeal while catching up on some editing. Sounds like a good plan to me.

      This past week has been very busy and a little strange. I'm frustrated and sad about so many things right now, but I still keep my chin up. I am doing great!
It always seems as though bad things happen at once, and thats how I have been feeling. It's been frustrating dealing with a divorce. Not because it's so life changing but because it comes along with so many other issues..money, family, an ex husband that wont leave you alone, judgement, stress..It's all a constant struggle. Things need to die down a bit and start looking up asap.
I went to go sell my wedding ring to help me get on my feet a little bit and cannot seem to find the ring anywhere. I don't even know what to do, just keep looking I guess.

      Earlier this week something happened that took my mind off of absolutely everything else. My aunt died. It was sudden and not expected at all which makes it much more difficult. I have dealt with so much death in my life..and not just death, but death of loved ones. You'd think maybe you could get used to this kind of tragedy but it is impossible.
      The beginning of November always shakes me up a bit. It is the anniversary of a few different deaths now, including my mothers. It will be the anniversary of her death on Sunday. I always try to go visit her grave every year on the day but haven't been for a while now. Luckily, I now live right down the street from Mt Olivet which is where she is buried. I do enjoy going there, it is the most gorgeous grave yard I have ever seen. It's huge and very old. There are giant headstones and statues of angels, tombs, grassy hills, giant weeping willow trees, and deer everywhere! If I ever became a vampire, thats where I would crash.
      Anyway, so I have a funeral to attend on Monday. I do not like funerals at all, who does? But I do love seeing all of my family. Thats the only time we all get together is when someone dies, which seems to happen as often as a family reunion should.
      I am so blessed to have the family I have. They are the strongest people I know, I guess we all kind of have to be. I love them!

The Lonely

      I finally got my camera back! I'v had it back for a little while now and surprisingly haven't used it as much as I thought I would. Yesterday was the first time I really used it since I have had it back. My good friend, Audrey, and I walked for hours all over the city and took pictures of everything. It was a lot of fun, and quite refreshing being able to explore and take photos of new things. I need to do that more often. When it comes to photography, lately I have felt..stuck. I feel as though I have hit a plateau. I need to find a way to learn more, and I need lots of practice. Living in the city helps a lot, it inspires me and gives me plenty of ideas.

      I am still loving it here. It was really easy for me to adjust to living alone. It's not too much different from when I lived in my house, except I don't have two crazy dogs attached to my feet, following me everywhere. I wish I did though. As annoying as it got, I miss it. I have been thinking about Kora a lot and got the idea of maybe taking her for a couple days. She could walk all over the city with me and run with me at Liberty park. It sounded like a good idea but I honestly don't think I could emotionally handle that. I was trying to think of a pet that I could get and easily care for with my living situation and thought of the perfect animal..a tea cup pig! I have actually wanted one of those for a while but couldn't ever get one without the fear of my dogs biting it's head off. I still probably won't ever get one though, they are crazy expensive. Plus, it's kind nice not having to take care of anything and worry about only myself right now.

      Other then money issues, (which I never let get to me, money comes and goes) life is good. I have been tying to get back into my running routine. I really need to start doing that more often because I have been cooking a ton. I love finding new recipes and making them, the only problem is I always make too much. Usually I try to cut the recipes in half, but it seems like no matter what I do there is always too much. It's a good thing I have neighbors and co-workers who like my cooking.

      Here are some photos I took while out with Audrey yesterday. And a photo of something delicious I made today.

Lessons

      This past week has been one of the most difficult. I still think way too much and I need to pause for a minute. I honestly don't know how I can have so much on my mind when I keep myself as busy as I am. It's not fair. So many things run through my head, it's hard to keep everything straight. I wish I could just divulge all of my guts into this blog, but I'm not about to open my heart and soul to just anyone who reads this. 

      I will say, I am living. But along with living comes a whole lot of learning. Just in the past couple months I have had a huge awakening in my body, mind and soul. It's been a sweet traumatic and horrifying experience but I have learned so much more then ever.

..What have I learned so far?..

Well,

-I learned that great things are worth the wait.

-I learned not to be intimidated so easily.

-I learned that heartache, tragedy, failure, tears, fear is all worth true love, joy, excitement and bliss.

-I learned to follow my heart..really follow it.

-I learned to have a little bit more 'bitch' in me. (something my mom always said I needed) Not to let myself get walked all over anymore.

-I learned not to care so much about what others think.

-I learned to prioritize. I am busy but it is important to take time for myself once in a while.

-I learned to take chances. Just let it happen. :)

-I learned to keep my good friends very near, trust in them and let them trust in me.

-I learned that money is just not worth stressing about.

-I learned that sleep can be a good thing.

-I learned how important it is to be honest, with others and yourself.

-I learned that it's ok to cry.

So, there you go. I'm sure I have plenty more to learn and I hope I do. I can't wait. :)