More than ready.

      Oh gosh. I have not kept my goal of writing in this blog every week like I had originally planned. Typical me. I have been too busy living life and loving it so, so much! I also have not been sad. I find that I have more of an urge to write about my feelings when I am feeling a bit down. So I guess it's a good sign that I have not written in here for some time now.
      Don't worry though, I am not sad, I am actually quite opposite. I feel like things are finally starting to fall into place! Finally! I feel so at home in my little apartment in the middle of this city. (even though I still am couchless and it is frustrating..hopefully not for too much longer.)
     
      I kind of feel like I spiraled down really fast for a minute in life, but Iv caught myself and am slowly climbing back up. People make mistakes. Shit happens. Whatever..
   
       Live and learn, right?

      I'm blessed to have the people in my life that I do. They love me no matter what and care about the decisions I make and how they will effect me. But no matter what happens, they stay by me and help lead me in the right direction. I love life because of them.

      I put in my two weeks notice at my job yesterday. I have been a medical assistant at a family practice for just about 4 years now. I never really wanted to get into the medical field, it was honestly something I just fell into. When the ex-husband was my boyfriend I had lost my job so his mother is the one that gave me the job at the clinic..and I have been there ever since. I am grateful, of course, to have had the opportunity to work there and help so many people. I have also made some very close friends. I will miss working with them terribly, but will make an effort to keep them in my life as much as possible. Being in one place for four years with the same girls every day, you can't help but grow close to each other, we act like sisters.
      But despite my good friends and the great job it was, you can imagine how it would be working there along with your ex-family. That is not the only reason why I decided to leave though, I have wanted to leave for years. It was just not at all for me. I think of the divorce as a push in the direction that I have been longing to travel, but for some reason have been so stuck in the same spot, doing the same thing every damn day..it's tiring to even think about.
     
      I look back at my life and what it was for the past few years..it was nothing. Of course I did do things I love, but not how I wanted to. I didn't see the people I love in my life as often as I would of liked to. I didn't do so much that I have wanted to do and have done, just in these past couple months, since I have decided to make this drastic change. I really was stuck, I can't describe it any other way. Don't get me wrong, the life I had was good and maybe perfect for some people, but not for me. Not at all for me. It just took a little while to open my eyes and see that.

      Since I have been on my own, meeting so many new people and making wonderful new friends, thinking new thoughts, hearing new music, seeing amazing new things, I feel I have grown so much. I have changed drastically in this short amount of time, I see it in myself. Everything is more beautiful to me, I even laugh louder. I am learning what I really want in life and I am on my way.

      In just a couple weeks I start my new job as a nanny for a lovely little family not to far from my home. It's a big step for me and a bit of a risk due to a pay cut, but I am so willing to risk money for my happiness. I am ecstatic! I am also going to start picking up more photo shoots, which is something I have also been wanting to do but have felt too stressed and drained to even start again.
      It's a big sign that something needs to change if you don't even have the energy to do what you love.
      I love taking pictures. I am going to find that again.

I got an e-mail from the universe the other day. My favorite words by far:

Basically, Jadie, change comes from thinking thoughts you've never thought before and showing up to meet them down streets you've never walked before. You ready for some firsts? Are you?  Yodeling,     The Universe        I am more than ready.

     

Loss

      I'm sitting here in my apartment staring out the window at all the giant falling snowflakes thanking myself that I did not make any big plans today. I hate driving in snow. I do have lots to do, places to go and people to see, but instead I am taking a break. I'm going to stay in my cozy little apartment (still with empty walls and couchless) and eat my oatmeal while catching up on some editing. Sounds like a good plan to me.

      This past week has been very busy and a little strange. I'm frustrated and sad about so many things right now, but I still keep my chin up. I am doing great!
It always seems as though bad things happen at once, and thats how I have been feeling. It's been frustrating dealing with a divorce. Not because it's so life changing but because it comes along with so many other issues..money, family, an ex husband that wont leave you alone, judgement, stress..It's all a constant struggle. Things need to die down a bit and start looking up asap.
I went to go sell my wedding ring to help me get on my feet a little bit and cannot seem to find the ring anywhere. I don't even know what to do, just keep looking I guess.

      Earlier this week something happened that took my mind off of absolutely everything else. My aunt died. It was sudden and not expected at all which makes it much more difficult. I have dealt with so much death in my life..and not just death, but death of loved ones. You'd think maybe you could get used to this kind of tragedy but it is impossible.
      The beginning of November always shakes me up a bit. It is the anniversary of a few different deaths now, including my mothers. It will be the anniversary of her death on Sunday. I always try to go visit her grave every year on the day but haven't been for a while now. Luckily, I now live right down the street from Mt Olivet which is where she is buried. I do enjoy going there, it is the most gorgeous grave yard I have ever seen. It's huge and very old. There are giant headstones and statues of angels, tombs, grassy hills, giant weeping willow trees, and deer everywhere! If I ever became a vampire, thats where I would crash.
      Anyway, so I have a funeral to attend on Monday. I do not like funerals at all, who does? But I do love seeing all of my family. Thats the only time we all get together is when someone dies, which seems to happen as often as a family reunion should.
      I am so blessed to have the family I have. They are the strongest people I know, I guess we all kind of have to be. I love them!

The Lonely

      I finally got my camera back! I'v had it back for a little while now and surprisingly haven't used it as much as I thought I would. Yesterday was the first time I really used it since I have had it back. My good friend, Audrey, and I walked for hours all over the city and took pictures of everything. It was a lot of fun, and quite refreshing being able to explore and take photos of new things. I need to do that more often. When it comes to photography, lately I have felt..stuck. I feel as though I have hit a plateau. I need to find a way to learn more, and I need lots of practice. Living in the city helps a lot, it inspires me and gives me plenty of ideas.

      I am still loving it here. It was really easy for me to adjust to living alone. It's not too much different from when I lived in my house, except I don't have two crazy dogs attached to my feet, following me everywhere. I wish I did though. As annoying as it got, I miss it. I have been thinking about Kora a lot and got the idea of maybe taking her for a couple days. She could walk all over the city with me and run with me at Liberty park. It sounded like a good idea but I honestly don't think I could emotionally handle that. I was trying to think of a pet that I could get and easily care for with my living situation and thought of the perfect animal..a tea cup pig! I have actually wanted one of those for a while but couldn't ever get one without the fear of my dogs biting it's head off. I still probably won't ever get one though, they are crazy expensive. Plus, it's kind nice not having to take care of anything and worry about only myself right now.

      Other then money issues, (which I never let get to me, money comes and goes) life is good. I have been tying to get back into my running routine. I really need to start doing that more often because I have been cooking a ton. I love finding new recipes and making them, the only problem is I always make too much. Usually I try to cut the recipes in half, but it seems like no matter what I do there is always too much. It's a good thing I have neighbors and co-workers who like my cooking.

      Here are some photos I took while out with Audrey yesterday. And a photo of something delicious I made today.